Was going to post an entry about the awkwardness inherent in being asked out by somebody you are attracted to, but its been two days, and even though I have spent more time than normal with my friends, I've only managed to discuss it with them for under 10 minutes, total.

And I'm aware that sounds self involved, but I've tried to talk to three different people about this, I don't want to hurt the guys feelings or make things weird(er), and they paid about as much attention as they would if I told them what I ate the night before. I have sat and listened to so many of their issues, many of them again and again and again... and I've tried to pay attention and give advice, and I don't think I'm like the worlds greatest friend, because I know I'm not, but at least I try to listen.

It's not often I'm in this position, but I started to think maybe that's why they have befriended me. I'm just a nodding automaton with multiple appropriate one sentence responses, and no topics of her own to get in the way. It's not my fault my social life sucks so much I have nothing to talk about.

So... bad dialogue, really really bad dialogue but gooood Jensen Ackles. I am actually unsure how someone can pull off such good emo and make the characters personal torture so believable when using such awkward sentances. It helps that the characterisation and history are so good too, of course (yay Kripke).
There has been multiple moments of good acting this season (and some confusing Angel related ones - did Castiel know their plan to bring the two sides together? He did his focussed face) in the BnW episode I loved Sams little eyeroll at Deans behaviour, followed by a big, cheesy oh my god my brothers really back grin, and last episode when snapped at Dean for asking him about Ruby, then had a flashback remembering how much he missed his brother - and Jared Padalecki did an amazing oh crap face when Sam realises hes hurting Dean/pushing him away. Okay it's less the actual oh crap face and more the inclusion of little details like that, which are often not used in lesser shows (or even sometimes in this one).

and btw jealous Castiel!!! sooo why does he have feelings? is he a special angel?

Oh Dean, I know the leather jacket, and the rest of your clothes, were all about you trying to be your father - but flannel and the khaki jacket... tryin to be Sammich now?? (even if you do look very very good in them...).

And also I've never liked wingfic before - suddenly I find it very interesting (?), especially the more serious stuff, I'm blaiming it on Castiel and the fact Dean might actually get his own set. I know, and yes I still have a problem with Dean not being a normal guy but you just have to accept things. And Misha Collins is making me accept angels in canon. In all seriousness the man is an amazing actor.

Seriously.

True Blood started so good, but now... for some reason it seems to have drifted at a tangent. Maybe I was expecting too much when I hoped it would continue to be as interesting as the first 2 episodes. And WTF??? I wanted Sam to be the dog.

90210 I never expected to be any good, it's cheesy trash - that's all it's there for, but I was expecting something similar to the first one - a moral of the week, all-American, squeaky clean kids idea but I think that genre of TV has been warped by The OC (wander what would happen if they ever showed Skins over here - British TV is crazy).

Fringe is half a really stupid, completely dull FBI procedural/monster of the week show, and half a completely awesome (B movie era) Frankenstein with family issues. Here I was thinking Joshua Jackson was going to be the shows downfall, but in reality he's one of it's few saving graces.

Supernatural was amazing for 45 minutes, in it's overly clean cut, family friendly CW way, not perfect - I still see it's flaws but for what it is, and the constraints it has, the writers did incredibly well (compare it to Smallville and it starts to look like it's on Buffys pedestal, seriously - I'm up there with the best of them for suspending disbelief but that show is almost a parody of itself). Then there were the last 5 minutes.... God has plans for him?!?!?!? WTF were you thinking????!!!! Okay so there is the possiblity (fingers crossed) that this is just a misnomer - the 'angel' is in the same school as demons (ie not tied to a religion - maybe even formed from humans in the same way) and will not have Deans best interests at heart and will just be a catalyst for angst..... :D but if they're actually going to include the omnipotent Judeo-Christian God in their little fictional world I may have to give up on them. There is no way of that making sense (and there's the likely hood of it offending my delicate sensibilities if they go all Bible-belt-baptist on me). Plus, it seems like bad writing to my mind, totally breaking with canon to say that Dean is special. Dean's not special, that's the whole point - he's just a little broken human boy hunting down other peoples demons and trying to protect his little brother. If he becomes special it turns into a whole big goodvsevil monstrosity, rather than simple survival (which is what seems to eat at my heart). It's like if Lyra in His Dark Materials was told she was special - she actually was special but by knowing it she wouldn't do what she was supposed to do - she was special by simply being herself and just trying to get through. Argh, rant.

Actually, there's more rant if I stop to think about it - I mean the angels etc are obviously just a lead up to the over arcing story line (which I can only hope goes in the right direction - I still have hope there), but what is more important is the lack of interest Sam shows in Deans return. I mean abviously the lying to each other is important plot wise, but other than a big hug, the amulet incident, and dean moving to sit next to Sam when they're having a drink (which doesn't count cos Dean doesn't feel like he's been gone - only remembers being with Sam then waking up)  there was no emo!Sam. Which makes no sense because they showed in mystery spot what Sam's response to being reunited with Dean was. There was none of that this time. Like he's just accepted it and moved on, leaving him alone to go and kill the demons, yeah he thought it was nessecary, but show some more concern for your brothers safety now you finally have him back huh. Maybe this is something else they're going to go back to but it did feel very glossed over. And I have less hope for this being dealt with because of the way they declined to deal with anything similiar in all the other series - any time Dean got all angsty they just had a breif "we okay?" "yeah dude" and left it. Hey.. maybe they'll get all the angst and self loathing and let it out in one big woobie!Dean... maybe... pleases????

My first born is in the post, picspam love and vodka is my firend. I want to move to philly or experience the cliche that is california and lose the weight to dance and swim like an amazonian princess (not a warrior). There is so much I want to do but it all takes effort and sleep patterns present problems for me and I think when I was told what character I was I was a sibling out - should answer more honeslty maybe with the help of absolut my answers would better reflect my mental state. I miss my friends and yet I still worry about being over familiar with the cards and gifts that others would deem appropriate. Not best friends, without admission, but the next best. And alone needs the acknowledgement - but what would be appripriate. 

Who knows I know more of the intricate details of plie and arabesque than that of human enactment (or reenactment) tendu entente je voudrais aller a paris. 

ETA: lookee im getting the hang of all this lj language. im incredibley honest when im 5 or 6 sheets to the wind. i miss sailing but today i most want my legs to be scar free asap so i may wear my dress and twirl :D peaceful thoughts although i very much like the shirt i wore today - cool and flowing but CLEAVAGE! much like the dress i wish to wear (apart from the cleavage it is very modest mouse though). If only heels would hide marks of idiocy as well as they give shape and elegence to over muscled limbs.

I have a new plan. 
I always have a new plan, hopefully one day one of them will take off.
I'm budgeting this week, although with my debts I can't really excuse 'free' money, so I'm earning it - up to $50 a week (I know... big spender!) from different activities (all with a pre decided value) I cannot spend more than I earn in one week (mon-sun) and anything thats left over goes in my vacation fund (also new).
I'm hoping this will encourage me to eat healthier, exercise more, read more and learn more.
I only have French, running, skin care, pilates, reading books and reading educational/news related magazines so far, but I hope to add swimming, dancing and 'career goals' soon (limited in these by cost and I can't swim until the scars on my legs have healed). I think I might also get minor rewards for doing things for free (watching a movie on tv or borrowed DVD rather than buying something new - I can do that and have a huge movie binge when I have money, or going to the park instead of eating out). Posting is also going to be rewarded as its the only time I type more than a URL and there's a possibility that I could get a part time receptionist job to make more money, for that I need to improve a lot - I'm very out of practice.
I need to come up with the pricecs and maybe encourage myself to do something creative - like writing (which I've never been very good at), I was thinking for awhile about taking a creative writing course related to journalism/media as almost everything thinks I would be a good critic... (mostly as, for some very specific topics, I can be a walking encyclopedia) I also briefly became interested in writing scripts... I get bored and change my mind far too easily. It's my fatal flaw.

I feel like I need to grow up (apparently so does everyone else, and they're not putting it as nicely). It's just such a big commitment - you can't go back, you have to dress and act a certain way that will make others judge you differently and that, of course, will affect every other aspect of life. 
It's like when I moved - I lost the 'natural' grasp of fashion, attitude and behaviour of my hme town just because I wasn't constantly exposed to it.
I'm not sure I'd even be any good at being a grown up. I haven't even found a career yet, and I have no friends who are making the transition I would want to make - it seems like I'd be leaving them behind. Some friends already have careers and grown up lifefstyles, and I doubt my relationship with them would change (except the amount of time I would be able to spend with them) and others are getting there but if I joined with them I would be constrained to their 'plan'. 
I already have a problem with the way my future is panning out - even in my most optimistic versions. I need travel and intrest and creativity and challenge and not sitting in one room for the rest of my life until I can no longer think. The thought of taking on a menial job with a specified career plan, moving in with friends until we all pair off into the inevitable happy families, buying cars and houses with no idiotic hope of achieving something useful excecpt raising our petulant brats.
I may already have a pitiful job and live with roomates but that job has no future for me, that may even be why I took it, and while I still immature living with friends is fun and silly.

I just not sure I'm going to be able to achieve anything at all unless I make that commitment to being adult.

I don't think I've felt this lonely, or empty, in a very long time. 
I guess if I were the kind of person who had the friends you'd talk to about this stuff then I'd also be the kind of girl who would know what to do. 
Feeling anything is normally better than feeling blank but my brain is going round in circles so much I can't even focus on that. I just want to act like a normal person until an oppurtunity (or information) to sort this out comes along. To just make myself stop freaking out because I'm confused.

Managed not to binge (or SI) even though all I wanted to do was make myself feel gross and ill. That's the only good part of today - I lay still long enough not to damage myself. 

Either there was nothing there at all, or I have just messed up everything spectacularly. 

So far its 3 points for the former and 4 for the latter. I just want to know, or need to know which its is, then I can let him know I'm broken and just didn't get it, or just go back to behaving like my normal, absent self

Got to love the russians;

"Tea is not like vodka - which you can drink a lot of" - Boris Yeltsin

"There is no such thing as a ugly woman, but there is such a thing as not enough vodka." - Russian Proverb

Happy Christmas

I hate how my mom gets so wasted. Its horrible, embarrassing and makes me feel completely sick to my stomach. I do it all the time myself though, although more often by myself (i guess thats worse) and im really concious of making a fool out of myself and try to get myself out of those situations. Im in a shit mood anyway. Everything keeps going off. Binged on candy and now I wanna throw up so bad.

Just been in a bar with my friends, meeting up for christmas. I wasnt drinking and i was with people i didnt really want to be around and i got really anxiousafter about 30minutes and really wanted to leave. Spent the next 30 mins trying not to freak out then just drifted off and got all trancey. Cant help but feel like im being fuckin judged when im in those situations. I fuckin hate everyones attitude towards me like im being sarcastic all the fucking time- every other sentence is like "Yeah right Luce". Like i cant be taken seriously.

Had a  big conversation with the boy at work the other day, talked for ages about loads of stuff, plus things we have in common. Fucking annoying cos shit like that gives me hope. Thats not something I need - its just misleading. 
I reckon if started acting like an adult we could actually be decent mates, im just acting like a fool cos of a shitty crush.  Im not cool enough to be real mates though. Thats shit cos it makes him sound so shallow but i do think its just me.
i need a mantra - i am too fat, i am too ugly, i am too fat, i am too ugly. just to get my mind to stop wandering.

there is a slight good side to the past week - most of the time i get involved in self improvement through beauty products a clothes - thinking theyll improve me, but after talking with the boy. I feel like i really have to start doing something useful. Its too late to go on christmas food drives, but i can definately plan for that next year. I may go give blood at a drive at my old college- maybe even sign up to help with other drives around the city. Something. I think feeling useful will stop me feeling lshit and empty all the fucking time.

I am obsessing about the boy in work to an extreme extent. He has such beautiful eyes. I keep trying to sneak looks at him, to see what he looks like properly (i've always found that i have to really study someones face to be able to know what they look like) but thats really obvious - i mean everyone already knows i like him, but thats a bit far. im not even close to being his type, even his real friend, i dont even think we'd get on as people anymore.

good side of life - i wen t to see the most fucking awesome band in the world play the other day. (one of) the reasons i like the so much is their ability to make me into a happy person. not just "wow im happy to be at this gig", but im so excited and happy and the atmospheres so great that i become happy. Litterally happy! I stop thinking bad thoughts, the obsessions go away (dont have public compulsions) and all the self conciousness dissappears and i become normal. Well not all the self conciousness; i was very aware of my self about half way through when i realised i didnt feel anxious or sad, but thats kind of a good thing - i appreciated feeling happy while it was there.
Unfortunately i was so hyped up i couldnt sleep afterwards and had no way to get rid of the energy so now my legs are shit again. But I'd live it over and over again if I could. I'd live there if i could. i sound like one of those proper crazy stalkers who tell bands how much theyve changed their lives, but its not like that (really). i think a lot of my problem is that i require over stimulation to feel happy and they provide that. they also provide a good atmosphere, where i can be alone and together at once and in the words of the great eugene hutz;

"Well, joy is like a kinda of a bland word to apply to music - it is more of a catharsis,
if there would be no music a lot of souls would be sick because if a soul doesnt find a channel it
 becomes depresed and eventually dies, we dont have to to get in to cultural anthropology right now,
 but music is actually the essence of the world and of our lives"

I decided to do this thing called the 28 day plan i found. Its technically for anorexics, which im not - i really do see a fat girl in the mirror, but it focusses on self control and positive actions so i thought it may be useful since im in a planning/active mood.

1Sunday:
Food- 2/2 (decent amount of fruit, one shit meal cos i was on the move but not much else)
Water- 1/2 (dehydrated but kind of made up for it late on)
Exercise- 2/2 (cos i went shopping and danced and that was all i had planned to do)
Happy thing- 2/2 (saw band)
Posting- 0/2 (didnt do cos was busy - see above)
7/10

2 Monday:
Food-2/2 (some fruit, 2 subs, some cookies)
Water- 2/2 (having stopped drinking bottles of the stuff all day)
Exercise- 1/2 (did none but i think work should count)
Happy- 1/2 (did useful stuff but not great purpose)
Posting- 2/2 (doing it right now)
8/10

god my typeings shit today.

 spent all of work talking to this one guy (not the one im obsessed with) and getting butterflies in my stomach when i thought about kissing his neck :) i dont even know why, we have some stuff in common and hes quite cute but not amazingly so. but yeah now theres two guys st work i want to jump, technically 3 if im being completely honest but i dont want to be.
i dont know why the fuck i got all horny all of a sudden, but its a bit scary.

got happy when i got home - there was half a home made lasagne in the fridge and some big bags of chips in the cupboard. seemed so normal, or what i thought was normal when i was a kid. seemed very homey and looked after. definately a nice moment.

 im writing in this thing cos i heard that if you keep a journal of the bad things (as well as the good to cheer yourself up) then when youre past them, you can read it again and realise that you  shouldnt have felt that way and you wont get as depressed the next time.

i already know im being stupid and obsessive, and just knowing that - even in hindsight - isnt going to stop this feeling coming back, so i dont see how knowing is going to help.

got a bit happy today, in fact slightly ecstatic when i got in the show i put all the lights on and it seemed quite glowy and gold. made me giggle. got bad again when i had to go shopping. people wear me out.

oh well, by myself now. getting drunk and watching sopranos in my room. funxxx

i have a really big crush on a guy at work - he is completely my type (maybe a little too skinny, i like some muscle) but hes really nice and has beautiful eyes and dark hair, and i hardly even know him but i cant stop embarrassing myself around him or thinking about him and its getting to be too much
saw him at a club while i was wasted and acting like an idiot
i hate working with him cos i keep thinking about kissing him, or him choosing me (since every girl and half the guys at work like him too) and i kno whe never ever would so whats the point its embarrassing me and probably embarrassing him (theres no way he cant know)
i also know that if i got to know him i probably wouldnt even like him anymore, its odd for me to be so into someone purely based on looks (apart from actors etc - but normally i like the characters they play far more than the individual) 
i hate the fact that ive become so obsessed with something so unobtainable 
and even if by some freak occurence i obtained, and he was as nice as my brain seems to think and we got along amazingly well, i'd still be too embarrassed and 0annoyed at my naievity and stupidity to even try anything with him

i always get obsessed over shit like this and i hate it and the worst part is this stupid hope in the very back of my mind that wont let me let go of anything "just in case" even though i know nothing will ever come of anything and i should just accept that life is shit